那一年，我十八岁，过得很幸福。
十八岁那年，我在一所大学里生活。大学里的一切都很纯粹，蓝色的天空，灰色的教学楼，黝黑的路面。线条平直，偶尔有几条弧线，是砖石砌的中国屋顶。楼宇无意识地横立在天下和地上，拦住了眼神的目光。校园里大约只有这三种颜色。
他们说，能在大学里生活，我很幸福。我有什么理由不感到幸福呢？
他们治理了天空。没有风从蒙古高原吹来的时候，天空是蓝色的，偶尔天空会变成灰色，似乎对过去的样子有所缅怀。当我看到它灰色的模样，我想起村口老人的脸，沟壑中带着尘土，散发着刺鼻的劣质烟草味。我知道他们把工厂都搬走了，到了河北更远的地方去。有些人因此失去了工作，有些人获得了北京的尘烟，有些人既失去了工作又只剩下灰白菜。
他们盖起了高楼。他们说，教学楼必须整齐有序。我尝试为这种想法寻找依据，后来我找到了。我看到从高空俯瞰一切的宣传片。地面整齐划一，延伸到天边。在这种简单重复的庄严中，每一栋楼都在高呼着永恒，这时毁灭是比太阳氦闪更被遗忘的事。他们在规划的时候，看着沙盘，挥动着激光笔，一定也感受到了这种庄严。
他们说，这里是最好的家园，于是要严防可疑份子，尤其是境外势力。据说境外势力无孔不入，青年学生、上班族、农民、医护工作者、退休老人、知识分子、快递员、建筑工人等群体都已经被他们渗透。他们说我们是祖国的未来，一定要保护好自己，不能被境外势力沾染。我没有见过境外势力，如果说学校里的留学生不算境外势力的话。我想，境外势力一定像爱情一样醉人，像梅毒一样热烈，像丹霞一样丰富，否则怎么会有那么多人抵抗不住诱惑，一旦受到沾染就不反顾？
他们说，他们爱我们，要为学生提供帮助。校园里遍布着摄像头，哪怕是有人丢了一柄钥匙，他们也能在半小时内帮忙找到。如果有人从楼上跌下来，他们也能尽快控制现场。他们也用同样的科技手段对付猫。他们为所有猫编订了名片，并且贴心地为它们绝育，这样猫们就可以融入我们这个温馨的大家庭。他们在校园里，总是找一个合适的地方晒太阳或乘凉，然后就不再理人，任人摸它也不动，仿佛是毛茸茸的石头。我不清楚他们有没有尝试过这样对付鸽子。我猜他们做不到，因为鸽子没有户口，而且可以飞很远。但是我听说，近70年前，曾经有一场灭麻雀运动，几乎灭绝了中国的麻雀，所以我不敢担保他们会怎样对待鸽子。
他们说，校园是最温馨最安全的地方，所以非必要不出校。我不明白“非必要”是什么意思。考虑到校园里有生活所需的全部基本用品，所以一辈子不出校也不影响生存，这么说来好像没有什么出校是必要的——我不清楚他们是不是这个意思。曾经有同学和恋人隔着围栏聊天，结果被通报批评，因为他们不负责任的行为带来了感染风险。我觉得学校领导也有失职，因为他们没有为围墙设置足够的缓冲区。在这一点上他们大概忘了柏林墙的先进经验。我并不想提醒他们，毕竟指出领导的错误是有危险的。当校门终于扭扭捏捏地打开的时候，所有楼入口和校门都配备了刷脸机。预约经批准后，我才可以将脸伸到机器前。“严防境外势力”，我猜他们这样说，但最终他们什么也没说，大概是忘了。
这一年，我十八岁，今天是普通的一天。天空一如既往地蓝，像接线员的笑容一样标准。楼房一如既往地简洁，像是物理学家的模型。同学一如既往地三三两两，因为更大规模的自由聚集是不允许的。这一天我骑着自行车，按照惯常的路线回到寝室，共计451米的路途。经过同学们的时候，我总是听不到他们的声音，或许有人在聊出国，有人在议论老师，有人在谈恋爱，这些谈话总是带着隐秘的情调。我想加入他们，但是我总是不知道如何开口。当我鼓起勇气拍拍某个人的肩，看到他纯黑的眼眸，我就丧失了所有信心。
这一年，我十八岁，我还要这样生活三年。我不知道校外的生活是什么样子的。在我幸得出校的几次经验中，我看到城市像有机体一样搏动。当我站在城市里，地面就成为我躯体的延伸，感官不断扩大。地铁和公路是血管，载着城市的血液以供养城市；楼宇是城市的机体，为最原始的渴望而滋长蔓延。我想起了煤厂，黑色的煤穿行于地下，带着热能驱动机器。三年后，我大约也会如此在城市中穿行。
我不知道别人怎样看待自己的生活。其中有些人可能怀着隐秘的希望，觉得自己有一天能够换一种生活；有些人觉得现在的生活很不错，毕竟比起挣扎于生死之间的人，我们好太多。我不清楚有多少人和我一样，感受到现实的钝痛，对未来怀着似有似无的希望。我不喜欢这样的生活，也害怕这样生活下去。但是他们告诉我，我很幸福。 从物理学家的视角看，我在做某种周期运动，在我看来，这和静止一样接近于死亡。但几乎麻木的痛楚终究在提醒我，这种存在和死亡有些不同。能够证明自己的存在，大概是幸福的。我除了这种幸福以外一无所有。
十八岁的时候已经厌命而贪生。
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